Ohh, this is the second one I’ve gotten! This makes me so happy :D Thank you very much!
11: What things have you learnt about yourself since starting recovery?
I use food as a way to mask all other pain I feel, and I’m terrified of feeling anything bad or appearing weak around people. I am a clever girl, but I am being silenced by a voice that isn’t me. I try really hard to make people happy and like me, but it eats me up inside. I really don’t think I’m worth much. I push myself very hard and try to achieve very difficult goals, punishing myself when I don’t. I need to try and gain self worth and let myself off the hook more often.
34: What do you like about yourself now that you are in recovery?
This is a hard one. I don’t know if I am far enough mentally to like myself yet. I like that I can work better now thing, my mind doesn’t shut down from lack of food and over stress as much now, as I am eating. Thats it for now though, I need to keep working on liking myself!
Wow thank you :) I never get these, so thank you so very much!
33: Have you been able to eat a ‘fear food’? What was it? How did it feel?
The first fear food I think I have successfully eaten that really is a big deal were my dad’s pancakes. It was amazing. Beautiful. So fucking gorgeous. I have eaten fear foods in the past and panicked, cried, tortured myself for days, and not eaten them again for fear of that. But those pancakes. I just loved them. I didn’t care. It made me so unbelievably happy. Freeing. I want that with all food. I want to be able to eat things I like. Without the panic and relapse.
37: Do you have more confidence in yourself now?
No. This I need to work on. I have very low self worth, I’ve never had confidence really, from being bullied all my childhood then walking into Bulimia then self harm then EDNOS I’ve just jumped from one form to the next, never stopping to try and help myself. That I have been working on for about a month now. It’s slow slow progress.
44: Did anyone reach out to you during your eating disorder? How did you respond? How do you feel about that now?
Only my boyfriend. I was defensive at first ‘My body, I’ll eat what I want’ ‘I’m just healthy’. Orthorexia all the way. But now, Im begining to understand that was denial and the damage I was doing to myself was large. Now, I am just happy he didn’t push me too hard, but I am very glad he kept going.
45: What was your body’s purpose during your eating disorder? What is your body’s purpose now or what do you hope its purpose to be?
It was a way to hurt myself. There to take the brunt of my emotional trauma and distract me from any other kind of pain. I want it to be there for me, doing what bodies should, and all healthy and full of energy.
Thank you Lou :) I hope you’re having a lovely day xxx <3